Everyman's WEEKLY Journal #86
© 2014 Rev. David Seacord
October 12, 2014
Learning to Be Grateful…
Sitting on the roof watching the palm-silhouetted day fade into a warm bat-filled evening, I realized the dilemma that writing ensnares me with…. namely, the need to write well, and thus, to look good. It's a shame, really. Why must I always have this monitor inside me, protecting my writer's image? Why isn't it OK to let out the not so pretty realities of life once in a while? Yes, I know, we get to do this privately, with trusted friends. These are our supporters, the ones who have proven that they love us enough that we don't have to hide our weaknesses from them. In essence then, they are saints who forgive us our humanity.
But does the public? Look and see all the has-beens and over-the-hill-creatives struggling to reclimb the slippery slopes of fame. No, the public is fickle. Quite fickle. How do we know this? How do I know this? Because I am guilty, just as are you most probably, of canceling many many 'an other's' best efforts. Thoughtlessly. Oh, how many times in the past of my life I have been so blind, so arrogant, that I did this without even seeing or understanding I was doing it? The true answer to that I doubt I am prepared to know. Yet other's have suffered as a result, fairly or unfairly. Mostly unfairly. Probably.
There is a saying of deep wisdom: "The universe is perfectly just". Somehow, despite all the unthinkable suffering in this world, what this means to me is that whatever comes to me I have somehow created as my karma that it come, whether I know how I created it or not. These last few weeks since you have hear from me I have been in resistance to this wisdom, as I have not particularly liked what has come my way. And each week as I have started this writing I have had to face that there was no way to write anything about my circumstances that would make me look as good as I'd like to….because 'it's been messy inside me'… and so, like a preacher that can't come up with a decent sermon because 'God' has somehow disappeared for him, I too have folded, and put away my driveling efforts, and sent out nothing. Of course, that preacher risks getting fired if this goes on too long, and I likewise risk losing whatever reputation I have with you as a worthy read. So, for what it is worth, here I am at this computer going for it again. He-he-he. What else can I say? Can't risk losing YOU, you know it!
So what's been up, you innocently ask? Errrrr….Not much… I've just been depressed over women. You laugh? You hoot? You roll in the aisle? You…. you ….you… normal person. Hey, you notice I don't talk or write much about relationships? I won't leave you wondering why…. I don't have the best track record in the world at that game. Hey…It wasn't supposed to turn out this way at all! You know that, right? I absolutely have always believed my true love would finally arrive and then NEVER leave. Oh God. Isn't that like asking the sun to rise and then never set? Or the wind to blow warm and never cold? Or the beauty of a flower to never fade? Or for gorgeous beautiful music to never end?
So tell me, what is it about love relationships that makes it so hard to accept them as transient experiences? I'm not talking about little superficial crushes and the like… I mean the ones where I open up and get vulnerable in them? The one's that I think I'm supposed to be able to feel safe enough to really reveal myself in. I've wondered many times if I have just somehow missed something that everybody else has gotten. Some people will tell me 'YES, that's true!' (i.e., that I'm missing some clues). But I look at their lives and don't see them being all that happy, so forgive me, but I'm justified in canceling them, right? Other people say sweet but stupid things like "You just haven't meet the right one yet…" Duh, if that was you, you really think I am that clueless? You must. But I give myself better credit than that. Shouldn't I? You know what the statistics are? That one in twenty of the appropriately aged single opposite sex would make anyone but Dracula a supermate. I assume if you're gay it would be about the same ratio, yes? Of course 'I' have the karmic burden of being told by some psychic in the past that that was not true for me… that in fact… there were only about 5 (count that slowly on your fingers!) women on this earth that would or could be 'my dream come true'. I sure hate that idea. Cause that would have to mean that I am one of the most anal and judgmental cats still prowling. If that is true, would somebody please take me out of my misery!? What if I've already met those five women? What if I sleepwalked right by them? What if I cancelled them and didn't even have a clue that "there went my relational happiness for the rest of this lifetime". Yuck! Yuck! and more Yuck!
Yes, this is comedy! No, it's NOT comedy! You know what? If I hadn't already done it so many dozens of times already, I would just swear off the whole idea! It's SO much easier to give it all up! Except for…. that every once in a while, oops…shit! damn! THERE SHE IS! Again! (Honestly good people, when that happens I usually try to run away as fast as I can---I so do not wish to be humbled as 'not the One' AGAIN!) But--- once in a while…. I just can't. It must be my perfect justice for my past transgressions, right? Because, instead of sanely high-tailing it outta there, I start dreaming, and hoping, and wondering what if…. what if I just take a tiny little sniff of that old dream….again.
Yep. Of course that is what happened, late, towards the end of the summer, up in Oregon. And my oh my, she was a lovely week, for what it was worth. But a week of fantasy does not a lifetime make. And it quickly became clear that her life and mine were not to easily combine… that's the normal problem that comes with the territory, right? I mean, what does is it take to create a really workable situation? So, so sorry, my dream, maybe later, but not now. I just can't throw away all my hard-earned good sense, you know. I have my own reality and sanity to be responsible for, even if it's gonna be mighty alone feeling again inside me for a while. And so now, back in slowly cooling down Yuma, for the last few weeks I have been slowly letting that summer's ending dream go, and conversely, rebuilding myself back up to being the guy I best love hanging out with.
I do mean that. It is, after all, our ONLY real work. Cause if we do not LOVE OURSELVES we have no chance of sharing it with another. So my advice to myself (which I am taking generous doses of every day, and it's been helping…) is 'be grateful'. I mean 'for what it was, and for what it wasn't, for what it is and isn't." Byron Katie says it like this: "I have gotten that if something I wanted to happen doesn't, than I've beenspared." I too get this, as I deeply trust that there are no accidents in this universe. I mean, I deeply trust it… until I don't happen to want it to be true…. until the pain of that resisting of life again reminds me that 'Yes, I really do, God, I actually do want it to be the way it IS'. Hallelujah! Shoes are now back on the right feet! Let's rock 'n roll again!
He-he-he…. Bless you, my children. It's all good. :-)
Namaste & Sat Nam mucho mucho…
David
PS. I paid the Utah ticket. Uggha! (Well, it WAS 'in the mix' too, you know…).
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Rev. David Seacord
Fine Art Painter / Sufi Cherag
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