Although there are many things my heart wishes to cover, lets start this week with my 'About Sex' journal entry of several weeks ago, because it came up this week again for me, twice. Once, as feedback from one brother within our circle of receivers (who said he'd had difficulty with it--that it felt shaming--), and once more, because at the moment that I went back to reread it to see it from his point of view, I got busted by it myself---recognizing I was right then doing exactly one of the things that I had been saying don't do.
Dealing with the first thing first, as I re-read it I did get it-- what my brother had said-- although I had not intended it as he'd taken it. No excuses to offer, except being insensitive to how strongly I was speaking. I still stand by what I was attempting to communicate, but I do know that being inside the listening of the reader is an important piece of communication talent. I was and am happy to get the feedback, especially from a man, as all the female comments up to then had been 'right-on brother' etc. So I am now a tiny little more hip to that brothers and sisters do 'listen differently', and that that awareness must be part of the equation, particularly in the area of communicating. Summed up, it raised big questions…How do we genuinely and skillfully talk to each other? How do we enter each others view? To me this is amazingly important, as (as I said in that Journal) it is the source of a immense amount of the pain in this world. (New subscriber?... to see back issues use the archive link at the bottom.)
Having said that, now seems an easy segway moment… to the subject of relationships. One of the themes of my personal life is the ongoing question of whether or not I (as a single man currently practicing [at least overtly sexual] celibacy for nearly a couple years) am ever to be in 'a relationship' again. Being highly personal, it's not easy to write openly about, but also because that would involve being sensitive to inadvertently identifying or otherwise 'outing' other people involved too… yet… at the same time, it's a growth area that is active, and therefore appropriate to share about.
This week this area has been quite active, simply because there has been a lot of socializing. But then, that is key to the insights, the breakthroughs… So, without 'outing' anybody…. (sorry, this means NO juicy, gossipy details….)
Relationship Breakthrough One is that this week I was able to see in a new way and to a new depth of clarity the level of the personal unhealed emotional woundedness that I have been carrying…that my personality is designed to try to hide from you (and me) and to be a compensation for. There was a mirroring person involved… I saw it in somebody else first, and then in a bit of a shock, I got OMG, what I saw about them was true of me too. Out of that moment, I saw my wounds are both desiring to be healed AND are at the same time, deeply afraid of being healed (fearing the pain of re-opening and re-feeling the original woundings [which is what was in fact right then somewhat painfully happening]). But... it was worth it :-)… because I saw that while I present (or hope I present) as a wonderfully open deeply loving man---and I am, especially in the cosmic abstractions---personally, a lot of barriers exist inside me to letting other people deeply in---not so much into my heart--but into my actual personal life. Some of this is just 'practical', like distance logistics… but clearly I experience some issues around being 'controlled' too (hummmm…by anyone but 'God'…and of course, who/what God is to me is under my control…so my ego thinks, at least). My standard ego-safe-game is to 'be friends'… and yet when I am successful enough in being attractive to create a sincere response (and I see that 'look of new love' in someone's eyes being given me, I (or, let's say, my wounds) generally get very nervous and start distancing…i.e., I become not so available. I say 'generally' because sometimes the other person will seem to 'fit my idealized fantasy', and then I do engage in the dance (pretty intensely, I'm told) for a while (until the approach of reality, usually). One interesting thing that I noted out of seeing this is that as a result, my fantasies usually mirror me-- they often are wounded and aren't available either. (I know of course, that the way out of all this is to go real slow and allow a friendship to develop before even thinking about 'the future'. This IS my practice, when I remember it....)
Anyway, seeing all this led to Relationship Breakthrough Two…. Seeing newly the degree to which I have (in the past--YES!) habitually created and used emotional fantasies to escape reality in general. (I seriously doubt any of you have any experience of this…correct?)These are mostly just 'in-my-head' imaginings…as distinct from actual physical entanglements. After all, I am still living in military/agricultural Yuma (both to help my mother stay independent, and, it turns out, hopefully to work out/unravel my whole early childhood female model dynamic, which obviously started with my relationship to her). Even so, it's sort of like 'pick open a wound, bleed some, deflate some, feel some depression, then have some more fantasy sugar to feel better'. That's what I saw when I busted myself while re-reading that 'about Sex' edition… that I was right then already using a NEW relationship interest to distract myself from the realities of my wounds still bleeding from my last crashed fantasy. Of course, that's exactly what I recommended NOT doing back in the 'About Sex' EWJ #4 edition. But there I was…creating another online surrogate distraction …which immediately bit me (Ouch, Ouch, …Oh, Thank You God)… which was a good quick wake up call to get sober. I did a quick and total release of all that, and started doing something more emotionally healthy….digging in my winter garden for a couple of days. It's like I once heard Pir Vilayat say… working with the earth is tremendously healing of the heart, and mind. It also heals the earth, a subject which is coming up….
I know this doesn't look so good, coming from an enlightened cat like me, right? (Somebody called me that recently… it surprised me at first, then… well, he's got my respect.) But there is no way around it… the only way Up is through self-honesty…certainly not through self-deception. And the only way to be 'in the company of the truth' (satsang) is to share my truth with you, my community… exactly as I am discovering it IS. (Done appropriately, owning it as mine, no dumping, no complaining…). Naturally, I don't like telling the truth when my ego thinks it makes me look bad… I don't know any ego who does. But thank God this Journal is about walking the Path, not about manipulating life to fit our ego.
So, what IS? One recognition strongly arising in me is that our personal self-interests are definitely not the point any more. They may continue to be of some interest some of the time, but what IS is a call to transcend those self-infatuations, respond to the calling to get over ourselves, and instead, to be in service-response to the higher view. Which is amuch more impersonalview. That's not to say our personal work on ourselves doesn't continue… it does. But from now on, I am seeing we must work on ourselves inside of our work together. And that is that work for? Simply put, what I am coming out of denial of is: that Reality is that the physical conditions on our planet are placing Humanities very survival at risk---and that we (that's you, that's me) are the hands that Life has to heal the very significant wounds our planet is bearing. Just as Love has me care for the plants in my garden, I see now that Love is requesting our/my conscious cooperation, our/my conscious assistance: to bring the Light of Love to All Life. Because (based on the scientific reading I have been doing) nothing--- short of a massive awakening into selflessness, coupled with an equally massive and widespread fearlessness that is willing to stand for this Earth (by, among other things, personally consciously choosing to live a near zero, minimumly environmentally impacting life)--- can alter the planet-wide annual temperature increases which are already here, and which will very soon be causing increasingly harsh survival struggles for all beings, humans being only one of them. If this seems farfetched (and I admit that not so long ago it would have seemed that way to me too), here is a lecture link on the subject by a very knowledgeable scientist named Guy McPherson… http://guymcpherson.com/2012/12/the-twin-sides-of-the-fossil-fuel-coin-presenting-in-massachusetts/ Also, just going to http://guymcpherson.com/(Nature Bats Last) is a radically informing mind-blow.
So you see, as I have been contemplating all this new-to-me material, I have been forced to my knees so to speak, asking for guidance as to how to live in Love's Joy AND at the same time, be a responsible citizen/steward of this Earth. And what I am getting and what I am now saying is that the new post-2012 dispensation is that who we are now to be is a cosmically-connected planetary team…. working together FOR THE SURVIVAL OF THE EXPERIMENT CALLED LIFE, and from now on, that has to be the given, the operating state… more and more consciously. Really, why else be here if you are awake/awakening? In this view, our personal issues are only relevant to the degree that they impact the team, and the work we are doing together to heal the life of this planet. If there is a problem between us, it's our job to resolve it quickly, or that work is negatively impacted. If there is a personal issue that is effecting our ability to do our work together, that is not just our personal thing anymore… it is everyones. The answer to the question 'Am I my brothers keeper?' is now Yes… because we cannot afford the luxury of egoic disfunction any longer.
This seeing is one of the big gifts to me of the Peace Dance work last weekend. What most eyes could see was probably just 20 or so maybe a bit strange-looking people playing music and doing folk-like circle dances together in a big tent out in the desert. But what my eyes were seeing was a portal of energetic blessing from Source being grounded into the physical by those actions. What I was seeing was each of us being used as spiritual Light tools, called together from significant distances… to meet up and share in a vibration that was personally felt but is in reality really impersonal. I've participated in these dances for many years…the difference this past weekend was I kept getting 'this is for real'. It wasn't about me anymore, it wasn't 'practice', it was 'the work'… and I could feel the part of me that is Whole, that part of me was doing the doing.
Of late, I am feeling clearly called to a path of increased wholeness service… it's one that appears to require the setting aside of as much personal goal focused activity as possible (while still maintaining functional economic viability at minimum karmic cost)… so that my energy is available to respond to the vision I AM Seeing, to the needs of LIFE. Since becoming aware of the climate change models, I have been more and more engaged with the question of how to seriously contribute to it's resolutions. Obviously one of the distractions from such service is any relationship incompleteness… because when that comes up for any of us , it leaves you/me feeling unwhole. Therefore, while the status of my question of whether or not I will ever enter any personal "beyond friendship" relationship again is 'to be discovered', what I have recognized is it is my responsibility to Life on Earth to deepen my self-inquiry practice and see it internally resolved-- that it not be an energetic limitation in our greater Work. And.... if I have difficulty in doing that, to humbly request or accept help from you, my 'team', my loving healers. After all, I know you know that 'all needs met for all beings' starts with 'there is only one of us here'…
One final important thing to share… I received a request this week concerning the past 2010 daily ACIM (A Course in Miracles) Commentaries. That request has prompted me to promise to activate a review and rewriting (if necessary) of them, and as that occurs, I am happy to share them with you. However, to keep things straight, that will not be via thislist, which will continue to only be for Everyman's WEEKLY Journal. If you think you'd like to receive the ACIM materials too, please use this link code to sign up for them separately:
Hopefully this will just flow, like many of the 2010 ACIM Commentaries just flowed out. I do like this weekly schedule a lot though (as there are many things to manage in a full life)… and I like to have time for several re-edits and pre-publishing polishes… besides having the sense that when done the points are 'well said', there is just the fact that as soon as I start writing for the next weeks journal, my whole life is, from that point on, INSIDE the writing. That being inside the writing, which is really being inside a conversation with God about life… that is my personal payoff/reward for writing, yes?
This week though, my life has been inside of external preparation realities, and as a result, to keep my word about delivering a 'worth reading' journal each Sunday morning, I am at this Thursday evening moment in a fast food taco/burrito chain somewhere out in the middle of the Mojave Desert creating my offering. Because I JUST found out that this little town is the LAST internet/cell connection… before I head up a tiny paved road leading me out into the desert several score miles to a remote hot springs 'resort/campground', where I will be spending the weekend in a 'Dances of Universal Peace' communion that is being held there.
I first committed to this event a month ago, after hesitating for a couple before that. But the call remained, and I expect I will have a report next week about the actual event and what I gained from going. But so far, just like any goal, to do this has required a lot of accomplishments. Like getting transportation together. I haven't started mining all the life that I have been living through since my regular writing fizzled… haven't needed to… a lot has been on our collective plates to be with of late, yes? So there was lots to write about.
But it will make much more sense to you if I do mention that I and my friend Christopher did an adventure last summer in my big diesel truck art-show mobile studio… and to have local wheels, I towed my beloved Sidekick 4x4. That is, until I had a momentary attention lapse, and failed to instruct Chris about how it must be put back into neutral before towing. Yeah, it was painful to realize that lapse had just destroyed my Sidekick's engine andtransmission…painful enough to be a lesson I doubt I will need to repeat. So the Sidekick went to wrecked car heaven. Anyway, since then (July) the issue of moving my body from place to place has been 'creative'. Bicycle? Yep. Put a little motor on the bicycle? Yep. Realize soon enough that now I need to be a small engine mechanic? Yep. Errrr… start borrowing my Mom's car…? Sure tried not to, but yep… (Funny thing about that though…. that opened up a sweet new space between me and Mom… like she felt like she had sometime to give me, offer me, and I started to also experience a new appreciation of her generosity).
As the weather started cooling down, I finally realized that my visions of going totally green with bike power were not going to fit my life, and that I needed to manifest wheels. After researching the list of most economical fuel misers still available, I found I was most interested in finding an older Geo Metro (which are supposed to get about 50 mpg). I searched Craigs list locally, then Palm Springs, then Phoenix, and finally found one reasonable priced in Tucson. I liked the way the guy selling it and I related, especially when after he was clear I could do most of my own mechanics, he dropped the price even more… to $600. I figured from what he said was wrong I'd be investing at least that much more into it, which he agree with. Put another add in the local craigslist ride wanted listing, and received an offer to take me over to Tucson from an old vet with an appointment at the VA hospital there…thank you God (and the ride was 'sating' too). Bought the car, fell in love with it, and then blew the head gasket on the drive home. Ahhhhh…. chop wood, carry water. So my eventual upgrade plans became immediate upgrade realities. More miracles kept rolling in though. Turns out that the Geo Metro is kind of a cult car… like the old VW beetle. And online there are all these amazing do-it-yourselfer people sharing info about their cars and how to take care of them. So I entered that world for several weeks, rolling up my sleeves and getting greasy, but recognizing this was just another art form. Long story short… this trip to this Peace Dances is my first trip on the new rebuilding work I did. And I still just love the car…. which I have (like I did on the Sidekick) removed the passenger seat and the back seat so that I could build in a bed/cargo platform. Tonight might be my first sleep in her. We'll see, might do a tent at the campground.
Anyway, the point is, love is everywhere, and in all forms. Like all the gurus have said, there is nowhere that God/Good is not. As ACIM reiterates, when miracles don't happen, something has gone wrong. Well, that's how I'm here writing btw, another miracle. There was a faint little line on the map that looked like a much more direct shot to Tacopa then the round about way by bigger roads… so I cell phoned to ask the guy there at the resort "Hey, is that road a decent shortcut?", and he said, "Yeah, it all paved." So off across the desert I confidently shot…. till the pavement ended in about 10 miles at a fork that everything in me said 'OH OH, no no'. Didn't expect cell service, but grace provided it. :-). THEN, we find out that he hadn't really been able to hear me so good back when I'd first called, and he answered a question I hadn't even asked, and I'd taken his answer as gospel. (Read whatever you want into that one…). So then I remember finally to ask… you DO have internet, yes? OH NO, not here! That's how lucky you people are… you want this enough to cause the universe to make sure it gets done even if I have to sit in a taco joint trying to block out rock n' roll to get it written. Yea! How great is that?!!!!
And, as it just made it through an editorial read… please accept this as my humble offering to you 'other myselves' for this week, ok? And please forgive the no painting. More next week, I promise.
Love you all,
Namaste,
David
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