 Untitled, Acrylic on Paper, 20" x 28", ©2013 Rev. David Seacord
Everyman's WEEKLY Journal # 59
©2014 Rev. David Seacord
January 19, 2014
In the Aftermath of Wildness…
In the aftermath of my wild and risky adventures (as reported in EWJ #58 last week) life has moved on without missing a beat into the world of a wonderful week of new learnings. (This completes the 'short report', in case you are time pressed.)
But, if you're not, here's the 'Blow by Blow' …. I hope you enjoy. :-)
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It shouldn't have surprised me, but when I saw I had received an email from Clinton Callahan last Sunday afternoon I was immediately a mix of feelings before opening it. He had joined the subscriber recipient list of this Journal weeks before, at the time of my discovery of his work and our initial contact. But he had never before responded to anything I had written in the Journal. As I read his words to me, my heart lifted with happiness and I was suddenly completely free of confusion.
How can a few words have the power to do this? How can they be so magical in their effect? I have recognized for a long time that my releases from the grip of darkside energies would normally be experienced like a sudden event…an ahHA! insight that changed everything…. that fighting those darkness grippings was like a dream of being in the pitch black darkness of an unknown place and searching for a light switch. After a period of time of running into furniture or falling down unknown stairs, I would, in my dream, just stop completely and listen deeply. Stopping completely turns out to be a very intelligent thing to do, as in stillness all perceptions are heightened. I believe I can honestly report that such heightened perceptions produce the miraculous--- if only for the simple reason that when the mind becomes quiet, attentive, and focused, the subtle nature of enlightened intelligence becomes available. Thus are we/I/you guided. And what is that guidance but A SUDDEN NEW UNDERSTANDING.
Clinton's email contained such a sudden new understanding about feelings. I had previous read about this new view, this new 'map' of feeling technology in his book, but until his email it had not been 'about me' directly. But in the mirroring that he gave me back from last weeks Journal share, I got to see it definitely was, because immediately, as soon as I read his words, I was free. This is (as Clinton said) remarkably eyeopening.
What am I talking about? Simply the fact that feelings are seldom experienced fully and solely. Instead, they are a mishmash, a conglomerate of many feelings being mixed together. And what I am also talking about is that there is something magical about going through the process of separating these mixes of feelings from each other and then feeling them each wholly and individually. It doesn't take long to do this. Clinton did it for me in his email, and I've been in the practice of it on my own all week since. It's been quite revolutionary. Take the shame which I reported, for instance. It is the result of mixed feelings…like 'shame' being (quoting a sentence from Clinton's email) "a mixture of feeling 43% angry that I [had] opened myself up and revealed my naive but honest desire for fresh love, 66% afraid that there will still be further unpredictable repercussions down the line, 71% sad that the universe failed to support my wild risk taking with this woman actually moving in and us becoming a family". As I read these words, I recognized just how true each of them was. I was [then] angry at myself for my naivety, I did [then] feel fear that I might have really blown it [and that includes with you dear reader---it was risky to write last week], and I was [then] sad that my wild risk taking had failed. Got it, and felt it. Got it, and felt it. Got it, and felt it. Suddenly, I am free. Suddenly, it is 'over'. Suddenly I am totally OK and in my own power. It blew my mind it was so simple….that ecstasy is available simply by feeling your feelings separately andcompletely. (Yes, there is much more to this than I am going into here. So if this calls, please purchase Clinton's book Radiant Joy, Brilliant Love. Yes!)
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And into the huge window that then appeared I stepped, and found my next curriculum waiting… my Mother. Now opened, what was I gonna be willing to let myself feel about and with my mother? I mean, before it's too late, cause she had about one week before she'd be up 'n left an gone away…
My son Ambrose has been being amazing in his function here, especially in relation to Mom. He's been being like a 23 yr. old canary in a coal mine for me. All I can credit myself with is being willing to pay some attention to his signals. I've been watching him 'get' Mom, his grandmother. It's a fresh thing for him because he'd only seen her once or twice before (strange but true and I am not going to try to explain why) and so he didn't know her. But since his arrival here a few weeks ago, he's been an increasingly loving sponge for her, and also for her stories of 'the history of the Seacord side of the family' (which he didn't know much about either), and a bonding has happened between them that I didn't foresee or expect but am deeply appreciating the gift of. So last Monday evening, at his suggestion, we made up a meal and delivered it to her, and stayed to watch a movie (The Cutting Edge/'hockey star turns figure skater, finds love') together. Tuesday night we did pretty much the same thing, just sitting with her and sharing the movie (Big Red/orphan boy loves dog, dog's owner develops love of boy'). Both nights impact me, as I got by just sitting with her that all Mom wants (no matter what she says) is to not be alone, and to feel loved and included. Wednesday night, again at Ambrose's suggestion, we just visited 'to talk with Grandma'. I normally resist this a bit because Mom never says anything I've never heard…(at least, that's my story). Then I witnessed that this was purely a function of me, as in response to Ambrose's questions I heard Mom speak about family information I've never heard before. My internal coach helped me recognize the moment and save it for posterity via my iPhone voice recorder function. We just talked for 90 minutes about her entire life… what her dreams had been… what she'd felt when she met Darwin (my father)… stuff I had not spoken with her about for years (for fear I would become a trapped audience under pressure to give her what she wanted most… someone's interested, undivided attention). But, sharing the work of that attention giving with Ambrose made it a completely different experience. One of the things that became interesting to become aware of was how patterned my personal responses were. This became pretty obvious to me contrasted against the unrehearsed freshness of Ambrose's genuine interest. He would ask a question of his grandmother and I would experience an old attitude inside myself. Sometimes these attitudes became noises that were strong enough that they would escape via my mouth and get recorded on the tape. The knowledge that I was going to look like a fool to myself when I listened to the tape in future years was helpful in putting in place a more considerate demeanor. And as that got put into place, my own appreciation of the teaching example that my son was unknowingly giving me kept increasing. It was like his sensitivity was contagious and a truce was unspokenly created, and Mom and I stopped operating in our habitual 'ribbing/kidding' ways towards each other. By the end of our 90 minute conversation Wednesday evening, an authentic space of communion was present for some time among the three of us. I realized that as much as I appeared to love her, under that was my resistance to her, BUT, under that I actually do LOVE her. She's my Mom.
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Monday also contained the delivery of a letter from the Monterey Superior Court. It was a denial of my motion for continuance, meaning I asked to change the date of my trial and told them the very good reasons, but/and they said no. I had to figure out what to do, and that took some research (which I am thankfully getting somewhat better at) until I found the court rules allowing me to motion for a reconsideration of the original motion based upon new information, which I did right away, AND in addition (based upon 'a new understanding' recently discovered) I am also pro-actively creating and preparing to file (completely independently of my trial defense) a motion for a Declaratory Judgement to Overturn the specific law that was used to issue the original citation (and the grounds that a law prohibiting sleeping violates the individuals inalienable rights to life). We'll see what happens. All this legality stuff is like learning the rules of a new card game… in this case, the rules of court. There are a lot of them and one of the games lawyers play is to see if you know them. If they see you don't, you lose. In a very real way, I have been using this traffic citation for 'illegal camping' (where 'camping' is defined as 'sleeping in a vehicle') as my ticket into the game… like it is a practice game… a learning game. After all, the worst that can happen is I still simply pay the ticket. So why bother? Yes, you might reasonably ask that. Answer: It all is derivative of a particular insight--- that being that those who are leading the planet towards environmental self-destruction and social chaos (destruction of indigenous cultures) are very skilled at using Law for their short-sighted profit motives. As that is so, I have come to understand that I too (and many many others also) must gain an increased understanding of Law, if I/we am/are to be in any way effective in awakening the mass awareness, the mass consciousness of this world towards a much less short-sighted direction (leading to environmental/political/economic/cultural sustainability).
What I am becoming extremely clear about as I enter this gamefield is that my power to be effective is and will be based upon being well-grounded in being fully present and being thereby within my own power. I recognize that compelling (force using) authority, and dealing with those who believe they have it over me or you to our unjustifiable determent is a significant issue--- as I personally have much experience with, having spent a lifetime living 'outside of the box' and 'in the alternative margins', i.e., culturally I participate in subcultures of greater integrity and sustainability than modern mainstream culture, which is, as Clinton Callahan writes, a culture that trains one to 'win' by avoiding adult responsibility.
One of the suggestions that Radiant Joy Brilliant Love recently made to me was to notice (and write a list of) all the ways that I personally avoid being responsible. I immediately began to see that there were many more than I would like to admit. I'm not saying that I don't have a fairly high level of integrity. I know that compared to the general population I am off the charts--- I know I have a WORD, and when I give it, I keep it. I don't lie, I don't steal, I have basic sexual integrity (meaning technically I have never 'cheated'…hmmm… we'll go there later, OK? Someday. Maybe.). I also have basic financial integrity--- to the level that if someone undercharges me in the checkout line, I bring it to their attention. BUT… you know what 'they' (the wise ones) say--- the higher up the ladder you climb, the cleaner you got to get to keep climbing.
So now I'm getting lessons on how to be more generous. From whom? Ambrose, of course. Well, I was raised by a God-loving Bible preaching protestant minister father who obviously didn't know much about birth control which resulted in him being faced with raising eight children on small-town churches salaries. So what he modeled to me was 'being Scotch'--- making every dollar do the work of two-- using charm and local social position to get a better price. And I see now I learned it well, as I've used that approach all my life.
Now Ambrose my son arrives to live with me for a while, and we go around to the vegetable stands (which are all run by poor Hispanics) and he watches me bargain for deals on the vegetables. And I get the deals because I'm a regular and they wish me to keep returning. Then, as we go to the car, Ambrose, he says "Dad, why do you bargain? The prices are already so low that they can't be making much money. Why not just pay them what they ask. They're fair prices. And they need to make a living too." Suddenly I felt like an old dog wondering if I could learn a new trick. All I could say after a momentary check in with my breath was "Son, that's a wonderful way to see it. I'll think about it." Next time we go back to the veggie stand I choose to not bargain. I had wanted to get two papayas, but I knew I didn't have the cash for both (without bargaining) so I just bought one. As we were getting ready to leave, Rudy (the stand owner) hands me a second papaya. It's not too big, and it's not so good looking either, but I know it will probably taste fine. Rudy says "It probably wouldn't sell anyway…". I say, "Thanks, I'll see you again soon." We smile at each other and then Ambrose and I leave. He says softly "Thanks for not bargaining Dad". I say "You're welcome, son." The Lesson? Making sure thateverybody has their needs met is part of being responsible for having a world that works.
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Today. this morning, Mom is leaving Yuma. I feel many feelings. I am very grateful to our Source (and all involved players) for this weeks training in feeling them individually, instead of mixing them. All told, we've giving Mom the best final week here that we were able. One of my sisters is also here now, helping pack, and being with Mom. My youngest brother has come to take her to her new assisted home near him near San Jose, CA. I leave tomorrow with the U-haul, following with her furniture and possessions. It's a new future that I face, after four years of parent care. Ambrose and his passion for his music, and his sensitivity and mirroring are very likely going to be big parts of it. I am excited for it's possibilities.
Namaste, & Sat Nam…
David
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Rev. David Seacord
Fine Art Painter / Sufi Cherag
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